Jn 21: Times I've Chosen Comfort Over Following Jesus
This post was written on Jun. 26.
This is not the way things are supposed to be!
I have found my self saying, “This is not the way things are supposed to be!” quite often these days. It’s usually from a self-pitying place of wondering why I’m not comfortable and happy.
I had plans. I wrote a book and I was going to spend all summer traveling, visiting friends, going to street festivals, promoting my book, and talking to tons of people. It was my dream. And obviously,…that didn’t happen. But it is a Christian book, all about really knowing Jesus…surely that should have worked out!
In the middle of my whiney disappointment, the murder of George Floyd brought race issues glaringly into my face. I was traumatized by the events which followed in several ways.
Facing the reality of racism.
I honestly thought we were all at a place where we knew it was stupid to be racist. It has been traumatic to see what is actually happening in our world.
Disappointment in others
in friends, family, and religious leaders I really wanted to respect.
Disappointment in myself
Most of all I’m disappointed in myself for not speaking out years ago. For not seeing. For seeing and not doing anything. For choosing comfort over following Jesus.
I wrestled with all of these things as I tried to complete my study on the gospel of John. Every day, I sat and thought of all the darkness in the world, all the disappointment in my life, and the darkness in me. I wrote something each day, but it never seemed to capture all that I was learning.
And every day, things seem to be getting worse. A friend who was in a Bible study with me years ago, posted a picture of broken statue with a caption saying he couldn’t wait ‘til we unleash hell on these people. I was horrified. “This is not the way things are supposed to be.” How does he say these racist things and call himself a Christian?
I was filled with regret as I remembered sitting in a Bible study with him. I remember him hinting at those kinds of evil thoughts. I remember wanting to speak out. But I stuffed it. I stuffed it like I had been taught and I was nice.
As I thought about my silence with this one man, memories of decades of stuffing things that needed to be said flooded over me. The times I stayed silent but told myself I was brave, like when I went to a young girl who had been kicked out of our youth group for wearing a GLAD t-shirt. I gave her a Todd Agnew CD with the song My Jesus on it and talked to her about how Jesus wasn’t at all like that youth group leader. Then, I went back to the church, fit in, and even supported paying that man’s salary. I thought I was brave. I convinced myself I was changing things from the inside. Looking back, I realize I was really, just being comfortable.
The racist comments I ignored. The deacon who mistreated the migrant workers on his farm. The times our church was proud of “forgiving” an obviously abusive man because he said the right words, but made no real effort to change. The ways I still often think I deserve what I have and maybe others somehow don’t. The questions I never pursued. The tension I ignored. The suffering happening all around me that I was not relieving at all…
When I started this journey through the book of John, I was continually praying to be able to see the darkness and still know the light of life is at work in the world. I did not realize I’d be facing the darkness in me and looking for the light at work in my own life.
Facing all of this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. If you are one of the few crazy people who has been on this journey with me from the beginning. You know how much I struggle with bitterness. Well, I found the deep, deep root that needed to be dug out. I had to face how much I have hurt people I deeply cared about with my silence. I saw them. I cared. I tried to help. And I supported the systems that were abusing them while I stayed comfortable.
In order to share the light, I found in all of this, I have to skip ahead in this series to John 21*. In this chapter, Jesus has been resurrected. Everything we read in the rest of the book of John matters because of the resurrection. We get to read the entire book knowing that the light of life is living in us when we choose to follow him. And for those of us, like me, who spent many years hiding the light, silencing the voice of God in our lives, so we can be nice and not make waves, so we can stay comfortable, John 21 is everything.
In John 21, Jesus reinstates Peter as a disciple. To fully grasp the significance of this passage, you need to consider how completely Peter denied Jesus. All of the other disciples ran away and hid. Peter completely denied even knowing Jesus. He had been bold and ready to fight to the death but when he saw Jesus’ plan, he said, “This isn’t the way things are supposed to be.”
Peter thought he knew what following the Messiah would be like. He thought he’d be valiant and victorious. He thought they’d usher in an earthly political kingdom. When Jesus was arrested and didn’t resist, Peter denied even knowing him.
In Mark 16:7, we find out how completely Peter denied Jesus when things got tough. In this verse, the angel tells the women at Jesus’ empty tomb “go tell Jesus’ disciples and Peter” that Jesus will meet them in Galilee. The angel did not include Peter with the disciples.
When I consider how many times, I have denied the truths I knew about Jesus in order to remain comfortable and accepted, I can’t help but cry and sit in awe of Jesus’ continued acceptance of Peter. In John 21, Peter and some of the disciples took a boat out to go fishing, (for their livelihood). Jesus appeared to them on the shore. When Peter realized it was Jesus, he jumped into the water and headed straight for him. Afterward, they all have a meal together and then Jesus reinstates Peter as a disciple.
Jesus asks Peter three times “do you love me?” Each time Peter answers, yes and Jesus says, “feed my sheep.” The third time Jesus asks, John tells us that Peter is grieved. It is at this point that Jesus tells Peter the cost of following him. He tells Peter a prophecy indicating that Peter will be crucified. And again Jesus says, “Follow me.”
He reissues the invitation for Peter to be a disciple after telling him “None of this is going to be the way you think it is supposed to be. You certainly aren’t going to be comfortable.” But Peter knew there was so much more to the story. He was sitting with the resurrected Lord. He would soon be empowered with the Holy Spirit as his counselor. The new call to follow Jesus was something far greater than what Peter could comprehend.
As I look with regret on the comfort I’ve chosen, and the mess our world is in. I’m grieved for the ways I’ve denied the truth I was called to. I am grieved that I chose to be accepted by people calling themselves Christians while acting nothing like Jesus.
I am thankful for Jesus’ willingness to reinstate disciples who deny him when things aren’t working out the way we think they are supposed to. I’m thankful that I get a chance to be uncomfortable and truly follow Jesus.