I’m Still Salty- Hope for When You Don’t Believe in Yourself

Still Salty-

Hope for When You Don’t Believe in Yourself

My Journey

I don’t even know how to explain the journey I have been on over the past few years. Six years ago, I walked away from my career in education. It was a devastating decision, but I was burned out. I felt like a complete failure. The day every thing broke for me, a high school student yelled in my face, “You don’t know what a joke you are.”

I’d been working with teenagers for over two decades at this point. I’m not easily rattled by an insult from a student. But this kid, he lived in my neighborhood and hung out at my house. He knew me. As I was battling despair that day, he echoed all my fears and told me they were true. “You don’t matter to any of us. Nothing you do actually helps anyone…”

During this time, there were also many great things in my life, and I focused on them. I wasn’t wallowing in misery, but there was a nagging fear that my dreams no longer mattered.

See, when I was in 6th grade, I knew I wanted to be a writer. I loved writing plays and short stories. During elementary school, I wrote two plays that my school performed. My teachers used to let me write short stories and visit other classrooms to read my stories to the kids in younger grades. (Looking back, I realize my teachers never knew how to give me enough work to keep me occupied!) I loved to write. I loved stories. If I wasn’t writing a story or reading one, I was telling one.

As I got older, I decided I wanted to be an English teacher because I wanted to share my love of reading and writing with students. My philosophy was, “everyone has a story worth telling and a voice worth developing.” I wanted my students to connect with great stories and share their stories well.

But somewhere along the way, my belief in myself and my purpose got lost in a sea of bureaucracy, criticism, shame and disappointment. So, I walked away.

The Hope I’m Finding

Since that time, I have been trying to regain my courage, my passion, and my dreams. I’m trying to rediscover all the things I once knew. To believe in myself again…

As I was praying about these things and reading Matthew 5, I came across this passage and it spoke to me like never before.

“You are the salt of the earth. But if salt loses its flavor, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled on by people!  You are the light of the world. A city located on a hill cannot be hidden. People do not light a lamp and put it under a basket but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before people, so that they can see your good deeds and give honor to your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:13-16 NET)

I’m a huge fan of salt. Love it. Every food is better with salt. But the love I have for it is nothing compared to how much ancient people loved it. They depended on it for preserving their food, for cleaning, and for medicine. They knew a lot more about salt than we do. For instance, salt is a naturally occurring mineral compound which is extremely stable. In other words, salt doesn’t lose its saltiness. Jesus’s audience knew this. All other herbs and spices degrade over time. Salt stays salty. Salt can’t become un-salty.

Jesus was using a hypothetical question to make a point. When we follow Jesus, we are the salt of the earth and the light of the world. The spice and preservation we add to life can’t be taken away from us. We can’t become un-salty. We also can’t become un-lighty.

But, we can totally let the world convince us we’ve lost our saltiness. We can let the world yell in our face, telling us we’re a joke, trampling on our unique gifts and passions. When we do, we quit adding our flavor to the world and we all miss out.

It happened to me. I believed what the world was telling me. I believed I was un-salty and I withdrew. I backed away and often hid my light. In the moments when I felt brave enough to share, I timidly waited for validation. Though many people encouraged me, I focused on the discouragement as it echoed the fear I felt six years ago, “Nothing you do matters.”

Now, I’m learning not to focus on the discouraging voices anymore. I’m learning that I’m still salty (and not just in the bitter sassy sense)! I still have flavor and light that the world needs. I will pursue my dreams and let my light shine.

It’s a weird place to be in, as a 50-year-old. Sometimes, I cry and wonder if life passed me by and I wasted my chances. But when I spend time with Jesus, I know- deep in my spirit, I know- my dreams still matter. I know the power in who I am didn’t degrade over time and I will no longer let anyone trample on it.

I hope you are encouraged as I share my journey.

I’d love to hear from you!  

Blessings,

Cindy Felkel